A Letter

Love is a pretty great thing, maybe it's the greatest thing. But it's gotta be true love, for the both person.. And if it is, you fight the hell for it. I fought for it, fought really hard from the start. But it seems I forgot something, something that is really important, the fact that it should be for both person, not just for me. It's hard to be so far away from the one you love. And what hurts more is not hearing from him. Silence hurts more than anything. There are times, I wanted to call him but I can't. A part of me is screaming to just dial his number and call, but a part of me is telling me not to. It's kinda crazy to try to stop myself from doing something I wanted to do for a long time. You may think I'm stupid but I'd like to think I'm not, it's because when I text him I don't even get a reply. I'm just saving myself a little dignity, if I still have some of those left. So now you see why I hesitate to call him. I never planned to write all of these here, I really wanted to talk to him.. for months, or even a year. But it seems I won't ever have the chance to talk to him again. There are so many reasons why I wanna talk to him. I dont know, but I just wanted to hear his voice again. Talking to him is different, it's really different from chatting and emails. The feeling is different. Everyday there's this hope in me that I would somehow hear from him, and everyday i get disappointed, sometimes angry and frustrated. If only every drop of my tears would reach him so that he would know how much I am hurting and how much I long for him. But I know that he doesn't wanna hurt me intentionally. I dont know if this is the right thing to do, to write everything that I am feeling here, but I'll just take the risk and it's a way I can express how I really feel. It's better to get these things out of my chest. Sometimes, I get this feeling that he doesn't wanna talk to me anymore. That he just doesn't care at all. Day by day, he seems more and more distant. As time passes by, he seems more like a stranger. And it hurts. It hurts to realize that maybe i'm not ever gonna see him again, that maybe i lost him forever. Sometimes, I wanna be a different person so that i could be everything he ever wanted. Even before I wished i was someone he would like, someone like suzy maybe.. I guess that's why i am hurting so much. I find it hard to accept that I lost the person who i really love, who meant the whole world to me. I dont blame him for doing what he does and saying what he says. I understand. I thank him for coming into my life. Even though how much i got hurt, he's still the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. I can't truly express how thankful I am. But really, from the bottom of my heart thank you for letting me love you. He somehow changed me, he made me wanna be a better person. He showed me a different world. I thank him for making me feel special even if it was just for a while. For all the love that he made me feel. And, for all the patience and understanding. I know i've been unfair to him, for putting him in this confusing and terrible situation, that's why i thank him coz i know how difficult i have been. And it takes a lot, a whole lot for him to be nice to me. Even though from the start there were lots of things he didn't like about me, but still he stayed by my side. You don't have to be sorry for making me feel this way, it's not your fault that I fell in love with you. I know he's sick and tired of the very emotional me. Maybe right now, he's even regretting to have met me. That's why i don't blame him if he's done or said something that might have hurt me. I still love him with all my heart, and i dont know when or if it would ever end. I am really lucky to have met him, to have shared wonderful memories with him. I wanted to tell him this coz it's been in my heart for quite sometime now but I can't and I don't know how. That's why I decided to write everything here, hoping that somehow this would reach him. A letter which is long overdue, a letter from my heart to his.