Bittersweet...

"Accept what you are able to do and what you are not able to do; Accept the past as past, without denying it or discarding it; Learn to forgive yourself and forgive others. Don't cling to things because everything is impermanent."

For a long time now, I have been wrapped up in my depression, anger, loneliness, bitterness and probably hatred that I haven't really lived my life the way I am supposed to. I guess it's about time to learn to detach myself from all of these negative emotions. Detachment does not mean I don't let the experience penetrate me. On the contrary, I let it penetrate me fully. That's how I am able to leave it. If I hold back on emotions - if I don't allow myself to go all the way through them - I can never get to being detached, I'm too busy being afraid. Yes, I was afraid. Afraid of letting go, afraid of never seeing him again, afraid of losing someone who meant so much to me. But now I believe that everything happens for a reason. By throwing myself into these emotions, by allowing myself to to dive in all the way, I experience them fully and completely. Now, I can say that I know what pain is, what love really is. It's time for me to face my fears head on, no holding back. "Don't let go too soon, but don't hang on too long." I guess it's about time.

Many times I had this unending desire to talk to him. I thought it's the closure I needed. There are so many things I wanted to let him know, there are so many things I wanted to know. But he seemed so wrapped up in the siren of his own life - he was too busy. Honestly, this made me bitter, angry, and only a thin line separates me from hatred. Now, I realize that sometimes you cannot find the closure you need in other person, you should find it within yourself. Yeah, I know how much it hurts when you can't be with someone you love. But I need to be at peace with his desires. Clearly he has his own reasons and I should respect that. There's no formula to relationships. They have to be negotiated in loving ways, with room for both parties, what both want, what they need, what they can do and what their life is like. I had those special times with him, but now I no longer have them. Yes, I wanted it back. I never wanted them to stop. But that's part of being human. It's knowing how to stop and renew. Maybe we'll find a way back to each other, maybe not. That's what life is all about. Maybe he already played his role in my life. Each person comes into our life for a reason. We may not know the reason now but in time we will. All endings are also beginnings, we just don't know it at the time. There are no random acts.

Many times I've regretted and wished I had done things differently. But things already happened, we cannot undo those things that are already done, we just have to accept. I realized, it's not just other people I need to forgive, I also need to forgive myself. For all the things I didn't do, for all the things I should have done. I shouldn't get stuck on the regrets of what should have happened. I know I sacrificed a lot for him, but sacrifice is a part of life. It's supposed to be, it's not something to regret. I lost something but I gained something as well. I should look at it that way. Countless days, I was angry at him for being so indifferent to me. I was resentful for the way he's treating me. I was enraged because of his coldness towards me. But I soon realized that holding anger is a poison. It eats me from inside. Sometimes I thought that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed me, a solution for me to let go and move on. But hatred is a curved blade, it comes back. In order to move on, I must understand why I felt what I did, and why I no longer need to feel it. I need to forgive. I was angry at life for snatching away something so wonderful, I felt it was taken away too soon, he left me too soon. But I believe there's a reason to it all. Lost love is still love. I can't see his smile or touch his hair. Yet when these senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Even though he's not here anymore, I still have those wonderful special memories we shared. Instead of running away from it, I should nurture it, hold it as long as I can.

"As long as we can love each other, and remember the feeling we had, all the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on - in the hearts of everyone you have touched, nurtured and loved."

I am letting him go. I am moving on. I finally reached the end of the line, I can't go on anymore. I am tired of trying and hoping. I won't allow myself to succumb to all these pain in me, it's slowly killing my soul, my very existence. Yes, I faltered again but now it's time to persevere and stand up once again. Experience life and start living again. Maybe someday he would know everything, maybe that time will come that he would finally listen and give me the time that I longed for. But until then, I should just learn to live and accept - detach myself from the pain. Maybe the time I waited for will finally come, when everything will work out fine and all the resentment and ill-feelings I have will be forgotten. In time, at the right time..