mixed emotions

I still ask myself if it was a sign, the sign I've been waiting for.. for years. Was it? I don't know. Until now, I'm still dazed and confused. It brought me to a state where I don't want to be in, again. I've passed this stage, I thought I would never go back but here I am again, wondering and hurt.

Do I just love the idea of him? Hell, no. If it was just the idea of him, why in the world am I still loving him even though it hurts so much. I should have moved on easily but why am I still holding on? Holding on to something I'm not even sure of. No, I don't love the idea of him. I love him. Period.

It pains me to hear what he said. I wanted to ask him lots of questions but I was scared. Scared of hearing things I'm not prepared to hear, or maybe things I don't want to hear. I miss the old him, the honest one that tells me everything bluntly. I don't know why he became indifferent, probably because of the distance. Oh God, I wish that we could see each other again.

How can I endure so much pain? Even I am dumbfounded by this. Maybe I love him too much. But sometimes, I get tired from all the hurt. There are times I want to give up and let go. And yet, at the end of the day, I know I still love him. Even though he's been indifferent to me, I still love him. Insane. How can that be? I don't know, I honestly don't know. The only thing I know is that I would never stop loving him. Maybe I eventually would. But now, all I know is that the only reason I can be indifferent to him is because of all the hurt and pain. Yes, I love him. I truly love him but I am also hurting, that I know.